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deadlee's journal
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Assault with a Deadlee Weapon  A brand new ad I filmed for the Newport Beach Film Festival! http://www.newportbeachfilmfest.com/  It is my return to the comedy stage and I am nervous as fuck so I need my homiez in the house!!!!!! Started 2010 with two fan letters that make me realize my work is worthy and I gotta push the next CD out! I luv your music and I think you're an inspiration to the youth who has such unique identities. they don't have anyone to be their mouth so I think its important you get the job done and done right. its a big weight to carry on the lost in this society but you can do it, just don't sell out and handle with care. thousands are watching you and they follow what you do so you're responsible (no matter how harsh that sounds) cause we live in a commercial age where young people are brainwashed. don't mean to get so deep, but someone's gotta put the truth out there. keep it up and much love to you. This is a letter from a homie/fan on myspace -- i really wish I could connect more with my peeps on the internet - and call them - but well it is difficult to please everyone -- and I am happy I have made a connection to my fans that it may even turn into LOVE -- like this young boy -- but I never meant to hurt him -- AHHHH I feel bad! I know I shouldn't waste my precious time and words on you anymore ,but I just had to set you straight. Your name is Deadlee right? Well that is the perfect name for you because your personality is just as dead. I can't believe how much time I wasted trying to make you like me. I put it all out there about the way I felt and all you could do was reply with a short ass sentence that left me in the dark. Well I'm no longer in the dark. I finally see you for who you are and you are nothing like I expected. I guess I expected too much from you. I opened up to you and you couldn't even say how you felt. You are a man of a certain age so I thought that you were mature and looking for something serious. Boy was I wrong. I kept writing all these long ass stupid messages expressing myself and you probably laughed at how naive I was. Yes I was very naive ,but I'm not anymore. You couldn't say shit. You couldn't just say "Leave me the fuck alone", "No nigga I don't want you" or anything to let me know how you felt. Sorry I couldn't read your mind. If you had called me like you said then I could have detected by your tone what you felt or if we had met face to face I could have seen your facial expressions. All you said to me was "You're interesting". Nigga oatmeal is interesting. I am a real fucking person with feelings. I guess I never took the time to see you for who you really are instead of what I wanted to see. Yes I will say that you are fine. You are indeed very sexy. I can't deny that. I can go on and on. You've got a banging body and a gorgeous face. But is that all you are? I thought because you were older than me that you would be deeper than that. Once again I was wrong. Man you will never ever truly understand how I felt. I was infatuated. I did all I could to impress you. I thought there was something I could do to make you mine. There were even times when it hurt so bad that I just wanted to die. Yes I'm serious. I liked you that much. If I had killed myself you wouldn't have even known or cared. You would have went on living your life and you wouldn't have even blinked twice. To you I'm just some guy on my space that bothers you. But you were someone that I looked up to, admired and cared about. Looking back I do regret spilling my guts however I don't regret the lesson I learned from all this. I have grown from this and I will never chase another guy who doesn't want shit to do with me. I felt like a dead cat on the street. You just walked right pass me and didn't even think twice about me. I wrote a song and a stupid ass story about you and I don't even know why. What did you do to deserve all this? Nothing. I'm not gonna put curses on you or say I hope you die and burn in hell. I honestly don't hate you. I just hate what you did and how you made me feel. I hope that you learn something from this as well. I honestly want you to have a successful career. I want to see you happy. But I also think you should realize that you really hurt me. You may not understand how ,but you did. I used to tell my friends about you and how much I liked you. They would always tell me that you were a conceited player. I didn't think that at all. But now I'm not so sure what to think of you anymore. I see all the comments that people write on your page. But those guys just see you as a boy toy. I never thought of you like that. You will probably get mad at me and tell me off ,but please don't try to turn this around like I'm the bad guy. All I did was like you. Was that so bad? I guess so. Even while I had a boyfriend you were always in the back of my mind. You just blew your nose on me like I was a piece of paper and threw me away. I can't be too hard on you though. I made the mistake of writing to you. Maybe you weren't looking for a boyfriend or maybe I wasn't your type. But I guess I will never know what you felt since you didn't think I deserved an honest answer from you. Whatever. I gotta stop tripping every time a bald Latino plays me. I guess I should be used to that by now. I'm not gonna turn into a promiscuous player ,but I am gonna have to get stronger and stop falling every time I see a tatted up bald Latino So I have been feeling like the Michael Douglas character in the movie, FALLING DOWN. I am very testy, and short on patience. I get frustrated with people and their fucked up ways. I went to a Food Market in downtown LA a few weekends past. I had company including two rappers who I am mentoring/managing. As I entered the parking structure for the market, I saw that parking would be validated for one hour with a stamped ticket. That seemed easy enough, and after we ordered our Tortas, I had the cashier stamp the ticket. We downed our food and made it back to the car with time to spare. We start to drive out and get to the parking ticket booth. I handed the man the stamped ticket and waited for the bar to raise up. The ticket man looked at the ticket and told me I would have to pay. I looked at my cell phone and we still had time under the hour to spare? He said that the ticket was stamped but I failed to take it to the front desk to get a second stamp. A second stamp? WTF? - I told him I stamped the ticket as the sign said, and saw no further directions of a second stamp. He told me I would have to pull to the side and go get the second stamp. I had company remember, so I am trying to be on my best behavior. I told him I didn't want to go all the way up 3 levels for a second stamp, as we had a sound check to get to. He did not budge-- I was not going to budge-- the entire time biting my tougue as to not make a scene for my guests. The tension was rising, cars behind me were now 4 deep. This was a stand -off for the ages. I finally blew my lid, I could not take it anymore! I began shaking violently and stared him deep into his soul--"OPEN IT OPEN IT OPEN IT AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!" With that violent out burst he raised the bar and I screeched off!! The company were laughing hysterically, and I felt justified. Now tell me why the man would really give a fuck about a second stamp -- oh I know he has a job to do-- but cmon! Why does the city add such dumb fuck rules. A second fucken stamp? WTF is that about? I had another parking incident yesterday, when the GNC store did not validate my ticket. They claimed they were out of stamps, so I went to the McDonalds in the same Mall to get a stamp-- they said I would have to go to the B of A. I went to the Bank, but the lady claimed she would not get me a stamp because I would have to take money out the teller, and she saw I went to Mc Donalds. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh The ticket man tells me GNC does not buy stamps, so I would have to pay. The price was 3 bucks for every 15 minutes. It was now like 25 minutes. WHYYYYYYYYYy is it so difficult to step out my fucken house to get vitamins, or a fucken Torta? Why so many rules on top of rules. I am getting to the point were I will be just be a hermit, I do not have the patience to deal with all this bullshit!! Shit is about to FALL DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dayum it's been a minute! I been so into the Pinche Myspace and my own blog at www.deadlee.com , I have ignored livejournal. I figured what better time than January 1st 2009 to return. I am feeling that good things are around the corner. I posted a flyer for a new show I am presenting at Highways Performance Space www.highwaysperformance.org . I thought it would be a good idea to get things rolling quick in the 2009. I am a procrastinator and really need projects and deadlines to keep me on my toes. So these are some goals of mine for 2009. 1) Acting is on the top of my list - I have signed with an Acting Management Team in hopes of getting auditions to higher profile gigs. I got my first lead in 2008 with Hoochie Mamma Drama http://anotherdeadleeblog.typepad.com/ho 2) I have been involved with LIL MILO MANAGEMENT, and this is a high priority. I love helping new talent reach for their dreams. http://www.myspace.com/LILMILOMANAGEMENT I have plans to make this a big success along with my Manager, Camilo! 3) I am about to release a cd with my best homie, Down Low along with our own Record Label- http://www.clydenclyde.com/ I also have a solo project on the front burner working with a new Kat from Germany doing production! I also want to work on my personal self. Be a better son, friend, and boyfriend. I need to go back to the gym and lose about 20 pounds. Ok enuff of the New Years Resolutions - I got to get to work to achieve them - I am out!  http://www.outhiphop.com/street-cred-101/ It was 1992 and I was still fresh to LA - I was a huge Howard Stern fan , listening to him religiously. Howard and his team of zannies were coming to LA to celebrate their first place finish in the ratings. There was a live telecast off Hollywood and Vine and of course I went. I was in a crowd of a few thousand in awe of my idol. It was already a great week since earlier that weekend I met MR. T and he wished me luck with my rap aspirations. So here I was watching my other idol - Howard Stern and to my amazement his guest that day was my idol #3 EAZY E!!! I stood and watched and told myself that one day I was gonna be on the radio with Howard Stern. Eazy E finished his interview and worked his way through the crowd and stood directly in front of me. I met my rap God face to face and shook his hand! I was one of the last to stay waiting to see Howard leave by limo. I ran like a crazy fan after the limo and Howard rolled down his window and waived one last time as I screamed his name!! Lets fast forward to March 2007 - I was just interviewed by CNN and went on a trip to Mexico with my Mom. I had no idea the CNN interview would be the catalyst to more opportunities. One of these opportunities was a letter from Howard Sterns producer requesting me as a guest. My manager off hand-idly told me - " you want to do the Howard Stern show?'" He had no clue what that meant to me - and 3 months later June 7th, 2007 I was in the NYC to be on Howard Stern. I achieved my goal I set years earlier. Of course we all know Eazy E has since passed RIP . - but here I was carrying the hip hop torch. I took fellow gay rapper, SOCE and my spiritual advisor Khalil Amani with me. We entered the building with a camera in my face and questions thrown at me. " Deadlee, how does it feel to be on Howard?" It was so surreal - here it was my dream and when you are actually living it- its hard to explain. I felt sad in away - but I think I was so happy I wanted to cry kinda thing. When it was time for me to actually enter the studio - my heart was pounding. One of the producers lead me in the golden doors. I think i just entered my heaven!! BAM!! right in front of me behind his mic was HOWARD!!! He looked to Robin Quivers his cohost and said my name- "Robin- here he is Deadlee" - I could not believe he said my name- I sat down on the couch and I think it was all a haze -the show went well. Howard asked a lot of questions about me coming out, who I'd fuck on his team of zannies - and of course played a sexual game where I had to see some of his staffs penis and ball sacks ha ha - When the interview was over - is when I was the happiest I have ever been! Howard told me before I left that he supported all i am doing and wished me luck - and Robin gave me a big hug - all his staff expressed how cool it was to meet me - I did a few aftershow interviews with his Sirius news team and left the building. So, where do I go from here? I set a goal after meeting my three idols that week that I would be a rapper and I would be on Howard Stern. I guess I set the bar higher - and keep pressing on. While i was in NYC i recorded a song and video with fellow rapper, SOCE. the theme seemed very appropriate as it is called "LOOKING BACK " with a refrain GO AHEAD!!! I think it is always important to look back at what you went through and always go ahead to the next challenges in life - so the next goal may be MTV awards - magazine covers, Grammy's - ?? I might even set the bar higher, as I see it's possible to achieve your wildest dreams and goals!! |
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